


Cimmerian

by moon_knight13



Series: Cordolium [4]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, Nebula & Tony Stark Friendship, Nebula Angst (Marvel), Nebula Feels (Marvel), Nebula Needs a Hug (Marvel), Not A Fix-It, POV Nebula (Marvel), Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Thanos is a bad(horrible) parent, Who made him a parent?, she is a baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27630605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon_knight13/pseuds/moon_knight13
Summary: In hindsight, Nebula realised she was in the same position as always: alone.
Series: Cordolium [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007034
Kudos: 6





	Cimmerian

“Fight! Why aren’t you fighting back? What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you fight?”  
“Ah!”  
Nebula went down. Again. Like always. Never once did Gamora hold back. Nebula knew that Gamora knew very well that she can’t fight as well as her. She knew that Nebula would be punished, yet she never held back.  
“Well done, daughter! You’ve earned your prize!” Thanos said from where he was watching.  
Nebula watched as Gamora went and bent down before him, leaving Nebula in the dust, bleeding. There was a particularly nasty cut on her shoulder today. It would surely leave a mark.  
Before she could stand, Maw had already taken hold of her. Her eyes widened in fear. She knew what was to come.  
“Father! Please! I’ll do better next time! Father! PLEASE! NOT THE LAB! PLEASE! FATHER! I’LL DO ANYTHING! PLEASE! FATHER! PLEASE!”  
“Like your sister, you earned it. You know you will be punished if you lose. Don’t make me say it again.”  
“FATHER! LET ME GO, MAW! LEAVE ME! FATHER PLEASE! LET ME GO!”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nebula woke. The scream remained frozen in her throat. It was another nightmare. Taking deep breaths, she sat up. Her bed clearly showed that she had thrashed around in her sleep. Her breathing was shaky. She tried to steady herself. She had worked herself to the verge of a panic attack. She hated them. They were horrible. They made her want to throw up, at the same time she couldn’t move. They made her curl up in a corner and cry. All while feeling like she was drowning.  
Still shaking, she got up and went to the basin in the bathroom of the Milano. She couldn’t physically sweat, so washing was the only way she could cool herself. The basin was a small one. There was a mirror on the wall above it, about the size of her forearm. She looked into the mirror, which was a bad decision, she immediately tipped over to a panic attack.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The nightmare Nebula was sixteen years old. She had inkish blue, almost black hair that reached just to her wing bone. She was taken to the lab every time she lost and a part of her was replaced with cybernetics. She had her hands, her left leg, and some other parts of her replaced by then. She always hated it. It made her feel less and less like herself. It made her feel like she was just another piece of machinery.  
After that fight, she was unconscious for a very long time. The moment her eyes opened, something felt wrong. She realised she was no longer wearing her armour. Also, the usual weight of her hair on her shoulders was missing. Had they cut it? She shuddered the thought. She loved her hair, it made her look nice. Still, it felt wrong. Shaking, she touched her head. 

She was bald.  
The feel of her head made her realise that her head had also been replaced with cybernetics. She could not believe it. There had to be something wrong. She got up and searched around the room for a mirror. Wasn’t there one on the table at the corner? Yes, there was. Scrambling, she went to the table. She picked up the mirror and looked in it. Tears slipped down her cheeks.

No no no no no  
They can't do this they can't they cant-  
The mirror slipped from her hand and shattered at her feet. 

“Nebula? Are you awake? They sai- Oh my. What happened to your head? Wha-” Gamora came in. 

**“YOU DID THIS! YOU! YOU ARE THE REASON! I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME!”**

“What are you saying? I saw you right now! How can I do this?” Gamora counter questioned, shocked.

 **“YOU NEVER HOLD BACK! YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT I CAN’T FIGHT LIKE YOU! NEVER ONCE-”** Nebula walked up to her and shoved her roughly in the chest. **“-YOU KNOW I GET PUNISHED! YOU KNOW THEY HURT ME! YOU KNOW IT! STILL! NEVER ONCE DO YOU LET ME WIN! YOU KNOW THEY REPLACE PARTS OF ME! YOU-”** She shoved her again- **“-ARE-”** again **“-A-”** again- **“-MONSTER!”** The shoved her once more causing Gamora to fall backwards. **“YOU HEAR ME! YOU ARE A MONSTER! AND I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE REASON WHY THEY TAKE ME APART EVERY TIME AND STITCH ME BACK TOGETHER! I NEVER ASKED FOR IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS? TO BE TAKEN APART AND PUT BACK TOGETHER? NO YOU DON’T! HOW WILL YOU? YOU ARE THE GOLDEN CHILD! YOU HAVE TO BE BEST AT EVERYTHING! WHAT HAPPENS TO OTHERS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU! NOT AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT AFFECT YOU SOMEHOW! YOU ARE A SELFISH MONSTER!”** With that Nebula stormed out.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That was more than ten years ago. In ten years, she tried to kill Gamora, then Thanos, later even made peace with Gamora. She and Gamora had finally started to act like sisters, to feel like sisters.

But that day from ten years ago still haunts her. 

That is why Nebula was curled up on the ground. Because the nightmare made her remember the time when she was taken apart and put back together. When she had her hair. When her face was made of flesh, not cybernetics. When she was not another piece of machinery. And it hurt her. It hurt so much. To see others not being like her. To see others being normal. She was still in pain, Thanos had pulled her apart, and used the power stone to hurt her.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Snap. That is what Tony was calling it. Thanos won. He accomplished what he had set out to do. He willed out of existence half of the universe. And he murdered Gamora. She remembered standing there as the Guardians turned to dust, followed by that peculiar man in a red cloak. She watched as that little boy begged Tony to not let him go, pleading with him, finally apologising as he turned to dust. She can’t even start thinking about what Tony must feel, burying his son in war. Tony did not deserve it. Neither did the boy. Or anybody in the universe. What was worse, being the victim, or being the survivor who got left behind? 

Sometimes she thinks this is all a cruel game of the universe. Thanos always says that you can never run from destiny. But this? How was this supposed to be their destiny? How could half the universe, how could so many creatures from the vast entirety of the universe, have the same fate? How could it be possible? 

If asked, Nebula would say that yes it affected her, but less than the others. In truth, she was one of the most affected. Because standing there on Titan, at that moment, she saw almost her entire life turn to dust. Gamora was the only one who truly cared about her, and the Guardians were the only others she knew. And all of them turned to dust. 

In hindsight, she realised she was in the same position as always: alone.

She was alone when Thanos took her in. When she had parts of her replaced. When everybody turned to dust.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She thinks about Tony, who had to bury his son in war. Who was not even sure if he would survive, even if somehow the oxygen in the ship doesn’t run out soon. 

She thinks of all those left behind. What would happen to them? How would their lives go on? How would they live? 

She thinks about herself. She thinks about her true home before Thanos tainted her life. How her planet, Luphom was pretty happy. She could’ve lived a normal life, like her blood ancestors, if Thanos had not tainted her life. 

She sits up and looks out the window of the Milano.

She wonders about all those who have lost someone or the other. 

She feels herself breaking again when she realises that there will be so many who like her: left alone. 

She wonders about Tony, who was sleeping in another chamber. He had finally passed out of exhaustion. She did not tell him that oxygen was running out, though she knew he would very much prefer it. To being alive like this. Even she wouldn’t mind it. Because compared to staying alive like this, death would be much sweeter. She wonders what she had done to deserve this. If anyone had. 

She wonders if life was a cruel game, and they were just the pawns.

**Author's Note:**

> Yep...like I said...a series.  
> She really needs a hug.  
> Please leave kudos if ya'll like the story.
> 
> [Dm me. If you'll wanna say something that is.](http://mirrorball2203.tumblr.com/)


End file.
